2010

Here we go again. The beginning of another year. I am already tired of seeing of all of the resolutions made by others on Facebook. It is just a matter of time before they all get broken anyhow, and that is why I do not make mine public. If I fail it will be on a totally personal level. I don’t want to break promises publicly.

I hope that 2010 will bring peace to my husbands family. It is a shame to see how greed reigns supreme. Rose passed in October she was ninety eight years old, and I was honored to be able to call her “Grandma”. Rose had amazing magnetism. She was warm, caring, and she had faith in all people. She would welcome you into her home, and give you the shirt off her back if you needed it. She was among an already dying breed of truly genuine, beautiful people.

It saddens me to see how adults are acting over the news of her last will and testament. People who honestly never bothered with her are upset because she saw them for what they really are fakes who were only after her possessions and her money. Pardon the expression but they are like flies to a shit heap.

I have nothing to gain by the settlement so I feel like I can speak freely about my disgust with this “family”. They are so weak minded. They are hiding behind poorly written letters and mudslinging. Empty words from empty souls. In the end justice will prevail and they will all get exactly what they deserve, nothing.

Enough is enough already!

New Year New Me?

Well the job was a huge fail. I quit after only one day, which is a record for me. I just could not do it anymore. I spent 2 1/2 years in the mortgage industry so I was very optimistic about a job in foreclosure. Not because of the aspect that I would aid in taking homes away from people, but because it was learning a new side.

So here I am right back where I started, sort of. I am getting tired of the monotony of sitting at home and doing school work especially because I attend school online. All of my friends are at work during the day so it isn’t like I could even slack off with them. I just want a career change.

I want to go back to work and have stable income. I don’t want have to worry where the money comes from anymore. I keep hearing in the news that things are getting better, but why can’t I find a job? I will just keep plugging away on the job applications and maybe I will get luck in the new year.

Until the I will focus myself on the goals I can control. Maybe try to stop smoking and go on a diet perhaps. Typical New Years resolutions… LOL

Random Acts

I enjoy life, and sometimes when I stop over thinking it I really love it. I find what I like the most is the total randomness that life has to offer sometimes.

It’s like going to Dunkin Donuts and seeing the girl at the counter wearing a tee shirt, tall Uggs, and booty shorts (with no booty to fill them out), all the while I am wearing a ski jacket because with the wind it feels like 30 degrees outside.

Have you ever been around a high rise apartment building at night? Maybe it’s just me, but I can’t help looking up to see all of the lights and wonder how many people in their homes are engaged in a sexual act of some sort.

I think thoughts like that just fit the moment sometimes, you know? We got together with no intention of wandering aimlessly it is just how things worked out. Those are the best moments though. The moments that occur sporadically resinate more in my memory then the planned ones ever did.

Those are the moments I live for.

F.Y.I

On Friday, Nov 20 I attended Star Wars in Concert at the Izod Center in East Rutherford, NJ.

If you still have the chance to see it totally go. If you missed it then I hope it comes around again. It was truly amazing.
The Imperial March @ Izod Center

On the Brighter Side

I usually take to my little blog to rant about random things afflicting my life at the moment. Like most things I have to say it usually falls on deaf ears, or in this case blind eyes.

Well to all of my fellow non believers I am not here to complain. Today I am here to celebrate life. Things are starting to look really good for me now. I am on a steady road with school and I finally got a job, though maybe only temporary still a job non the less.

I am content at this particular moment in time. That’s all. I am done now!

Have a great day!

IDK?!!

Is it possible that because I am a woman I have a tendency to fly off the handle? Should I worry that by making that statement, I may have offended all of woman kind?

I don’t feel like I am wrong in this situation. I feel like he spends more time with his co-workers then he spends with me. I constantly hear that I never have any productive ideas to bring to the table, but he never suggests anything either.

I have to be honest some days I think about just walking away from the whole damn situation, but I love him way to much. I don’t really think he would care one way or the other if I left, hell I don’t think he would notice. But I can’t function without him, I just can’t.

I feel like there is to much resistance. We can’t both have our way, but we are both to damn stubborn to realize that. The outcome 100% of the time is stupid drama. Am I just a sucker? I still feel at this point the good still heavily outweighs the bad, but I also feel like the wall between the two of us is so high I may never make it over.

i don’t know …

Fakers

“Chances are, if your friend talks smack about everyone to you, they are talking smack about you to everyone else!”

I just recently read this on twitter. This thought is not new to me. This is something I live by as a rule. In fact I have said this to people in different variations to try and convey a message; never trust anyone blindly.

I think there is a time in most peoples lives where they encounter at least one person that makes them realize this. There was a time in my life where I was surrounded by that type and I was very naive about it.

Typically I tried to stay neutral. If someone was trash talking about a person I wasn’t really familiar with I would just listen, and when they were talking about someone we both knew I told them I didn’t want to get involved. My thoughts were if I did not get any blood on my hands, then I could not be convicted of a crime later.

The moral: People need to earn trust, we should never just give it away. If you are friends with people who do these things, then it may be time to reevaluate the relationship. The situation is just too toxic to be involved in for long periods of time.

Broken

I never thought at the age of 27 I would feel so defeated!

It is all an act. I am the person that people come to when they have a problem. I am the one that listens and gives them advice, and happy to do so. I try to always see the bigger picture and look on the bright side. It has always been my nature to put others needs before my own.

I don’t think that anyone truly understands all of the pain I am struggling with inside. I feel like life is slowly slipping away. It can be so unbearable at times. I honestly don’t know how I get any sleep some nights.

The worst pain a person can experience in life, I believe, is to feel like they are unwanted and unloved. I am almost positive that is untrue for me. I know at the very least my parents and siblings love me. But when it comes to certain people that is a whole other situation.

Of all the people I have ever had the privilege of knowing in my lifetime, there was one person that I thought I truly connected with. A person who would always love me in spite of all my flaws, the one person who knew the real me and loved her regardless. He was the greatest thing that ever happened to me, but I think I’ve lost him.

I just remember how he used to make my heart feel, and if he will ever feel for me that way again. I wish I knew what I was doing wrong. I wish I could be everything he wanted me to be.

I would give anything to have that feeling back. I would give anything…

 

 

Tom-Tom I am Not-Not

I ask anyone who may read this out there in WordPress land to give some feed back.

The possibility for a potential meeting was up in the air earlier this week, but nothing came of it.

I was not invited out tonight with my friends, but I did receive a phone call asking me for directions.

Am I wrong to feel like it is in poor taste to sort of blow off one friend, only to call and ask them to take time out of their life to “text” directions so you can meet another friend?

I ask why didn’t you just call the person you were meeting and ask them to direct you?

The last time I checked I was an unemployed college student/temporary housewife… NOT A FREAKING GPS!!!

Sadness

Here I sit in this creepy old house all by my lonesome, trying not to freak out as I hear footsteps in the attic. It’s not easy but I am trying really hard to ignore it by listening to the “Rock Out” playlist on my iPod. If I listen to any of the other playlist or shuffle the music I run the risk of hearing a song that might remind of him… lol I guess Naked Eyes was right, there is always something.

I guess I should be grateful that I am fortunate enough to have someone around who could evoke those feeling from me as otherwise thats never easy, but I hate it because when it does it consumes me.

It is 11:30 p.m and on a normal night time would have flown by and it would be even later, but because I am so sad waiting for the minutes to pass is like watching a pot of water trying to boil.

My heart hurts and I hate it. I can’t wait for next Tuesday.